Friday, December 31, 2010
I'm going to play NHL Commissioner for the day, and the first order of business is to get rid of the shitty franchises and award them to cities I deem fit. The list of where teams are going is below. The divisions will be re-aligned as well. Here is the new NHL:
Anaheim Ducks - Right off the bat, the Ducks are on the move to Portland Oregon! They could even keep the Ducks as a name, which would work well with the University of Oregon Ducks. So say hello to the Portland Ducks! The Seattle/Portland area is not well represented, and as a friend of mine pointed out, Seattle is full of dirty hippies, so Portland wins.
Atlanta Thrashers - This one I had trouble with. I ALMOST awarded Indianapolis with a team, but last minute I decided against it. This area has a little hockey history, what with the Atlanta Flames and all. This team can stay under one condition: The team is renamed to something that doesn't suck, and they take on traditional-style uniforms.
Boston Bruins - Never going anywhere. Ever.
Buffalo Sabres - Buffalo stays put.
Calgary Flames - Calgary is also safe.
Carolina Hurricane - Start playing "The Brass Bonanza", the Whale is moving back to Hartford, Connecticut! The Hartford Whalers (and the best logo in hockey, maybe ever) make their much anticipated return and the 'Canes go away. Sounds good to me!
Chicago Blackhawks - Also never going anywhere.
Colorado Avalanche - Staying put in Denver.
Columbus Blue Jackets - Columbus is moving up the road to become the Cleveland Barons! Why does a ghetto like Columbus have an NHL team? I am giving it to a slightly less ghetto city in the same state, so be happy that Ohio is still represented.
Dallas Stars - Holy dog shit, Texas?! Dallas is gone. I know they won the cup in '99, but football reigns supreme in Dallas. So, the team is moving north to Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Wisconsin is a hockey hotbed, but have no team, so it seems like a natural place to go.
Detroit Red Wings - Can you imagine the reaction if this team moved? Never leaving.
Edmonton Oilers - Another safe, Canadian team.
Florida Panthers - Good news Quebec City, Quebec! The Nordiques are coming back! There is no need for ANY hockey teams in Florida, so I'm taking both away. No one in Florida will notice.
Los Angeles Kings - The Kings can stay, only because they have been around for a while.
Minnesota Wild - It was a no-brainer to bring hockey back to Minnesota. They are safe.
Montreal Canadiens - Safer than safe.
Nashville Predators - The sexual predators are moving west (they better register when they get there) to Kansas City Missouri. The Kansas City Scouts are back. Hopefully more people give a shit about hockey in KC than in Nashville.
New Jersey Devils - Despite chugging balls this year, they are safe.
New York Islanders - Ditto on the ball-chugging.
New York Rangers - All Original 6 teams will never move. EVER.
Ottawa Senators - Canada? Check. Snow? Check. Molson Canadian? Check. The Sens are safe.
Philadelphia Flyers - Hate this team. That being said, they are safe.
Phoenix Coyotes - After much speculation, the Coyotes are getting the fuck out of Dodge and heading right back to Winnipeg, Manitoba! That's right, the Winnipeg Jets are back in action!
Pittsburgh Penguins - Remember a couple years ago when they almost moved to Kansas City? They aren't moving from their shit-hole town any time soon.
San Jose Sharks - With the Ducks gone, now there are two teams in California. One for the north and one for the south. The Sharks are changing their name to the California Golden Seals. They don't need to change cities, either. Just get rid of those heinous aqua jerseys. Is the theme of old-time hockey getting through?
St. Louis Blues - Safe. We want Sabotka back.
Tampa Bay Lighting - Off to Hamilton, Ontario! They won a Stanley Cup? Like I give a shit. Pack up and head north!
Toronto Maple Leafs - Moving to Boise, Idaho! Just kidding. Never moving, ever.
Vancouver Canucks - Safely nestled up north in America, Jr.
Washington Capitals - Safe, but bring back the old/Winter Classic uniforms!
There you have it. Nine Canadian teams and we got rid of a bunch of southern who-gives-a-shit franchises. Now if we can only get rid of the shootout. Please feel free to comment, good or bad.