Friday, December 31, 2010

Operation: Relocation


I'm going to play NHL Commissioner for the day, and the first order of business is to get rid of the shitty franchises and award them to cities I deem fit. The list of where teams are going is below. The divisions will be re-aligned as well. Here is the new NHL:



Anaheim Ducks - Right off the bat, the Ducks are on the move to Portland Oregon! They could even keep the Ducks as a name, which would work well with the University of Oregon Ducks. So say hello to the Portland Ducks! The Seattle/Portland area is not well represented, and as a friend of mine pointed out, Seattle is full of dirty hippies, so Portland wins. 

Atlanta Thrashers - This one I had trouble with. I ALMOST awarded Indianapolis with a team, but last minute I decided against it. This area has a little hockey history, what with the Atlanta Flames and all. This team can stay under one condition: The team is renamed to something that doesn't suck, and they take on traditional-style uniforms.

Boston Bruins - Never going anywhere. Ever. 

Buffalo Sabres - Buffalo stays put. 

Calgary Flames - Calgary is also safe. 

Carolina Hurricane - Start playing "The Brass Bonanza", the Whale is moving back to Hartford, Connecticut! The Hartford Whalers (and the best logo in hockey, maybe ever) make their much anticipated return and the 'Canes go away. Sounds good to me! 

Chicago Blackhawks - Also never going anywhere.

Colorado Avalanche -  Staying put in Denver. 

Columbus Blue Jackets - Columbus is moving up the road to become the Cleveland Barons! Why does a ghetto like Columbus have an NHL team? I am giving it to a slightly less ghetto city in the same state, so be happy that Ohio is still represented. 

Dallas Stars - Holy dog shit, Texas?! Dallas is gone. I know they won the cup in '99, but football reigns supreme in Dallas. So, the team is moving north to Milwaukee, Wisconsin! Wisconsin is a hockey hotbed, but have no team, so it seems like a natural place to go. 

Detroit Red Wings - Can you imagine the reaction if this team moved? Never leaving. 

Edmonton Oilers - Another safe, Canadian team. 

Florida Panthers - Good news Quebec City, Quebec! The Nordiques are coming back! There is no need for ANY hockey teams in Florida, so I'm taking both away. No one in Florida will notice. 

Los Angeles Kings - The Kings can stay, only because they have been around for a while. 

Minnesota Wild - It was a no-brainer to bring hockey back to Minnesota. They are safe. 

Montreal Canadiens - Safer than safe. 

Nashville Predators - The sexual predators are moving west (they better register when they get there) to Kansas City Missouri. The Kansas City Scouts are back. Hopefully more people give a shit about hockey in KC than in Nashville. 

New Jersey Devils - Despite chugging balls this year, they are safe. 

New York Islanders - Ditto on the ball-chugging. 

New York Rangers - All Original 6 teams will never move. EVER. 

Ottawa Senators - Canada? Check. Snow? Check. Molson Canadian? Check. The Sens are safe. 

Philadelphia Flyers - Hate this team. That being said, they are safe.


Phoenix Coyotes - After much speculation, the Coyotes are getting the fuck out of Dodge and heading right back to Winnipeg, Manitoba! That's right, the Winnipeg Jets are back in action! 

Pittsburgh Penguins - Remember a couple years ago when they almost moved to Kansas City? They aren't moving from their shit-hole town any time soon. 

San Jose Sharks - With the Ducks gone, now there are two teams in California. One for the north and one for the south. The Sharks are changing their name to the California Golden Seals. They don't need to change cities, either. Just get rid of those heinous aqua jerseys. Is the theme of old-time hockey getting through? 

St. Louis Blues - Safe. We want Sabotka back. 

Tampa Bay Lighting - Off to Hamilton, Ontario! They won a Stanley Cup? Like I give a shit. Pack up and head north! 


Toronto Maple Leafs - Moving to Boise, Idaho! Just kidding. Never moving, ever. 

Vancouver Canucks - Safely nestled up north in America, Jr. 

Washington Capitals - Safe, but bring back the old/Winter Classic uniforms!

There you have it. Nine Canadian teams and we got rid of a bunch of southern who-gives-a-shit franchises. Now if we can only get rid of the shootout. Please feel free to comment, good or bad.

Thrashers 3, Bruins 2 (SO): The shootout sucks.

Whoooops!

 Let me start by saying I HATE the shootout. Tim Thomas is great at making acrobatic saves, but god damn, I do not like him in the shootout. Imagine the shootout in the playoffs? I would just end up blowing my brains out. Even if the Bruins had a good shootout goalie, I'd still hate it.

Anyways, the B's dropped their first game on the road trip, but still got a point for their troubles. They are 4-1-1 in their last 6 games, so they are still getting points despite playing like they are down a cylinder.

A nice backhand by Bergie and a good shot by stupid asshole Blake Wheeler (whom I am hating less and less each night) accounted for goals for the B's. Thomas made some good saves, but also let in a couple of duds that he normally has no trouble with. And then the shootout... yeah, he sucked. It also didn't help that the Bruins took a couple of bullshit penalties which resulted in a couple power play goals for Atlanta. The refs also missed a high stick that cut Horton, and a blatant cross check/interference to Wheeler in front of the Atlanta goal. Bad/missed calls happen, but what the fuck?

If Atlanta had revenge on their mind for the Lucic punch, they did an abysmal job at it. No fights and I think Looch got checked maybe once. But Atlanta got the win, so maybe retaliation wasn't the way to go. Pussies.

I didn't want to forget mentioning that dumb fuck retard Dustin Byfuglien (6'3", 246) going after Danny Paille (6-1, 195lbs), who has had exactly zero NHL fights. This asshole threw a flying elbow after the whistle, got shoved back by Paille, and then proceeded to drop his gloves and start to throw. Good job by Paille by taking them both down (and avoiding the beating that surely would have commenced). I didn't pay much attention to Byfuglien when he was with Chicago, but I knew he drew the ire of a lot of teams. Now I see why, as going after small skilled guys tends to irk some people. Maybe next time they play, he can try that with someone his own size (Thorts, Looch, Big Z).

Anyways, the shootout sucks. It was fun for exactly one game, back in 2005. Its a shit way to lose a game. I heard something about making the overtime 5 minutes of five-on-five, 5 minutes of 4-on-4, 5 minutes of 3-on-3 and then go to the shootout (or something to that effect). I'd much rather see the B's lose in overtime than the shootout, plus 5 minutes is WAY too short for an overtime period. I doubt we will see changes anytime soon, but they did make changes to the All-Star Game, so you never know...

Check back later today, as I have a special article! Whoopee!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Bruins 4, Lightning 3: First place, bitches.

Old man winter rules.

Well look who moved into first place in the Northeast (suck it Montreal). The Recching Ball scored with under 20 seconds left in regulation to win it for Boston. Recchi tried that same shot a couple of times during the game and finally buried it when it counted. The Lightning tied the game three times, but shot themselves in the foot after Stamkos boarded Gregory Campbell with under two minutes left in the third, which set up Recchi's game winner. Some would call the boarding penalty on Stamkos a blown call. Eat a dick, shit happens, blah blah blah. The refs blew a call against Lucic too, so it's not one sided. Michael Ryder, Steven Kampfer (first career goal, congrats), and Brad Marchand also scored. This game was back and forth and Thomas once again had to pull saves out of his ass after some mishandled pucks in the defensive zone.

Once again, no fights in this one, just a couple of big hits and the usual NHL chippy play. The B's are most likely saving themselves for a slugfest Thursday night when they play Atlanta. Hopefully we will see some old time hockey (blood). I want no less than 350 penalty minutes and at least 3 line brawls.

Overall, a win is a win, and at points it looked like they were ready to blow it, but old and young, everyone chipped in and they got the W.

Also, yesterday I mentioned how Wheeler always puts the puck in the glass on a breakaway, and right in the first period, he had a breakaway where he actually put a good shot on net and Dan Ellis made a great leg save. I was just as surprised as Ellis, and probably Wheeler too. If you look on the replay, you can see people in the front row ducking for cover. Ha ha Wheeler, you suck. Or maybe you don't. I don't know, I can't decide. For now, he's all right.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Bruins 3, Panthers 2 (SO). 2 is a winning streak, right?

Holy shit! A complete game! A comeback! Do my eyes deceive me?

(Sigh) I guess I gotta give credit where it's due.

The B's pulled out the shootout win last night for their second in a row, not bad considering they never held a lead in the game. It's a good way to start the 5 game road trip, as they take on Tampa Bay tonight and then they have the much anticipated rematch with Atlanta on Thursday.

Krejci scored twice for Boston, and Wheeler had the lone shootout goal for the win. Not a lot going on in this one. No fights and only a couple of noteworthy hits. For a while in the second, there was some really good back and forth play, but not a lot to write about.

Which brings me to Blake Wheeler. I have a sort of hate/hate relationship with him, but this season he's slowly stepping out of my doghouse. This guy had a great rookie season, only to follow it up with a big piece of shit season last year. What irks me the most is his lack of physical play. He could be putting Lucic-like hits on people, but plays like a stiff wind could knock him on his ass. Plus whenever he gets a breakaway, you know that the people in the front row behind the goal are going to get a face full of puck because he shoots high and misses the net EVERY TIME and it drives me fucking bat-shit crazy. This guy should be crashing the net and be looking for rebounds. Use that big body!

With Sturm getting traded, it looks like Wheeler will be here for a little while (unless they use him as trade bait), so hopefully he continues to pick his game up and maybe he can start to smash some faces in.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Bruins 4, Thrashers 1: Line Brawls and Rum Commercials

Hmmm where do I begin? The Bruin's were calling last night's game a "must win" and they did exactly that, and in convincing fashion.

So lets start with last night's first star Shawn Thornton. Does this guy exemplify being a Boston Bruin or what? Claude Julien should  be kissing his ass for essentially saving his job last night. Two seconds into the game, Thorts slugged it out with Eric Boulton in a good, long scrap. A few minutes later, Bergie scored a huge shorthanded goal. Then in the second, Ryder (who obviously hates the thought of playing in Providence) put one in to go up 2-0.

A few minutes later, not to be outdone, Thorton one-timed a beautiful backhand pass from the Lone Wolf and buried it under the crossbar. Fuck yeah.

But he wasn't done. In the third, Paille and Thornton had a two on one breakout and Paille had a nifty pass to Thorts and beat Pavelec with a goal-scorer's backhand. Double fuck yeah.

That's when the Garden crowd got their money's worth. Just watch the video:


I was waiting all game to see this kind of response from the Bruins, but I thought the Thornton/Boulton fight would be the extent of it. It's very reassuring as a fan to see the players stick up for their teammates (even though Looch can handle his own... and a suspension for him is almost certain) and if these assholes play like this every game, they are going to be tough as nails down the stretch.

This game had it all: Goals by fighters, fights by goal scorers, blood, a line brawl, and Rene Rancourt (haha). Also want to mention that Thornton missed a hat trick by INCHES as he took a brilliant Krejci feed and rang the crossbar at the end of the third. Ugh. Maybe next time for the Quiet Man.

Now, This has nothing to do with hockey, but has anyone seen this commercial for Captain Morgan rum?


They air it all the time during the game. Let me preface this by saying I HAAAAATE this piece of shit.

So I'm to believe that buying rum and generic cola is this guy's best idea ever, second only to hitting on an old transsexual in an elevator? Really?

And yeah, that's a dude by the way. I don't know if that's the joke or not, but that alleged "woman" HAS AN ADAM'S APPLE. Plus he/she looks 49 years old at best. This commercial would have been so much better if that bearded fuck caught a prison-style beast raping from the tranny while fire and police officials are unable to open the elevator doors in time.

Then watch the stupid way he walks after he puts his shit in the cart. Way to swing your arms when you walk, dick. God I hate it so much.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

If Julien is out, who will replace him? Four suggestions:

Despite Peter Chiarelli's comments to the contrary, rumor has it that Claude Julien is close to getting shit-canned. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Is this the right time to completely change the team game plan? Or do you do it now in hopes of making a run down the stretch for a good playoff position? You have to do what's best for the team.

And who would replace him? I have Some suggestions:

1. Gunnery Sergeant Coach Hartman. If anyone can motivate a team, it's this guy. Imagine: someone fucks up, blows an assignment, or someone is lacking effort, there's always methods to correct the problem:

"Remember, this was all just a bad dream, fat boy"

On second thought, I think Hartman is unavailable. Speaking of correcting problems:

2. Delbert Grady. I can't find much of a coaching record from him, but I do know that he is quite effective in "correcting" the behaviors of his wife and daughters, so that could translate into a hockey team. And doesn't he kind of look like Claude Julien?

"I feel you will have to deal with this matter in the harshest possible way, Mr. Torrance."

 Imagine THAT philosophy in the locker room? I think you'd see some changes immediately.

3.  Terry O'Reilly. I think Taz could inspire the type of play that he adhered to. He was a decent coach, leading the B's to the Finals in '88. And he was never fired by the Bruins, so that always looks good on a resume. Who better a guy to inject a sense of "old time hockey" into his team?

Oh yeah, this guy:

4. "Mad" Mike Milbury. Famous for beating a fan with a shoe, making bad trades, screaming at referees and being brutally honest. If you leave all the player movement decisions to the front office, I think this is your guy. He also led his team to the Finals in his brief tenure as head coach. If you want to see the "Big Bad Bruins" make a return, I say offer Mad Mike the job.

This is all depending on if Julien is leaving or not. It all starts with tonight's game. Old Bruins assistant coach Craig Ramsay is bringing the Thrashers to town and if Tuesday's chippy practice was any indication, this could be a fucking bloodbath (see Delbert Grady).

Stay tuned...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The B's are getting a little testy...

I just read an interesting article on "The Bruins Blog" about the B's practice today and how things went. Read for yourself:
Most notably, Shawn Thornton twice lost his temper. Once when he was ridden into the boards hard during a forecheck drill by Dennis Seidenberg. Thornton banged his ribs against the dasher, and in response spiked his stick over at the bench. Later during a 2-on-2, he responded to a Johnny Boychuk blow to the face with a slash to the defenseman’s back. Even Savard and Bergeron exchanged shoves, and Horton gave both a love tap with his stick to get them to bury the hatchet.
Good. Maybe this will light a fire under their ass and they won't get embarrassed like they did last night. Hopefully this carries over to Thursday and they rip the balls off Atlanta.

Ducks 3, Bruins 0

Nice defense, dick.

If you are a Bruins fan that likes zero offense, no forecheck and uninspiring, emotionless play, then last night's game was just for you! With a chance to rocket five, i repeat FIVE positions up in the Eastern Conference, the Bruins laid a fat fucking egg right on the TD Garden ice. Jonas Hiller stopped all 45 Boston shots, most of which he didn't have to move for. The extent of Boston's offense was Shawn Thornton ringing the post on a rebound opportunity (probably the first and only rebound they jumped on all god damn night). The defense wasn't much better. Dennis Seidenburg was a minus 3 and, holy shit, Tim Thomas is human.

Steve Kampfer had an interesting night when he took a Teemu Selane check which launched him headfirst into the boards. It looked like his shit was ruined for sure, but like Adam McQuaid a couple weeks ago, he was able to get up and later return to the game. Bruins defensemen are tough, I'll give them that.

In the second, Gregory Campbell tried to energize the team by fighting Kyle Chipchura. It didn't work. Nothing worked. Blake Wheeler led the team in hits for Christ's sake. They were flat all game and I found myself more interested in Angry Birds than seeing pass after pass miss their mark (to be fair, Angry Birds is the shit). If you missed the game, you didn't miss much. If you went to the game, at least you might have gotten a free Rene Rancourt singing christmas ornament!

The Bruins play Big Buff and the Thrashers on Thursday. Hopefully they can avoid an ass-kicking, take their Christmas vacation, and come back ready to fuck some people up (hopefully Stuart will be back soon).

Monday, December 20, 2010

Lanny McDonald looks like the Bumfights Bum

I'm too tired to rant about the Ducks/Bruins game. More on that tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, is this the same guy?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Bruins 3, Capitals 2

The shit is hitting the fan in our nation's capital.

There's trouble brewing in Washington. The Bruins beat the Capitals last night to knock them out of first in the Atlantic Division. Washington managed a dismal 5 shots on goal in the first while the Bruins built a three goal lead thanks to scores by Bergeron, Ference (I'll repeat that: Ference) and Blake Wheeler.

To put it simply, the B's knocked the Cap's dicks in for one period, and held on for the win. After two early goals, Bruce Boudreau called a time out to apparently tell Matt Bradley to go get his ass kicked by Adam McQuaid, as the Lone Wolf handled Bradley in a one-sided scrap. (Note to Bradley: If you want to fight in the NHL, you have to tie up your opponent's arm.. you know, so they don't freely punch you in the face over and over)

This game had a lot of nice hits by both clubs. I especially liked the Chara on Mike Green hit that left Green with a faux hawk bloody mouth and a trip to the dressing room. I always like the physical games, and this one didn't disappoint. A much needed win by the B's who dropped two in a row before this, thanks to shitty defense and shittier penalty calls. They take on Anaheim at the Garden on Monday night.

The First Post (and sort of mission statement)

Thanks for checking out my blog. I will refer to myself as Sea Bass. I am a longtime Boston Bruins hockey fan. I watch and analyze every game, and then break down the major plays and highlights (much to the chagrin of my girlfriend and co-workers).

The other day I was explaining crashing the net to one of my co-workers, and it dawned on me.

She didn't give a shit.

She couldn't care less about Mark Recchi, and his illustrious career. She didn't care about open ice hits and taking a number. She just didn't give a shit. But, she was being polite and listening to my rant, praying that her phone would ring or I would suffer a fatal stroke.

That's what brought me here. I hope to update this after each game and after anything special (like a Bergeron & Chara for three minor leaugers trade).

Once again, thanks for checking out this thing. Hopefully it'll avoid being a disaster.